With regards to the REALLY REALLY TINY porn star name, my porn star name is NOT REALLY REALLY TINY OR UNLEGIBLE,

me and ragani were acting smart and messing with the HTML and the cyber gods told us to fudge off - well get them back and fix it soon :P

Downfall
by TRUSTcompany

Fear in me so deep it gets the best of me,
In the fear I fall, here it comes face to face with me,
Here I stand hold back so no one can see,
I feel these wounds, step down, step down,
step down.

(am I) Breaking Down
Can I break away
Push me away, make me fall,
Just to see, another side of me,
Push me away, you can see,
what I see, the other side of me.

Fall back on me, and I?ll be the strength I need,
to save me now, just come face to face with me,
stay in place you'll be the first to see, me heal these wounds,
step down, step down, step down, down

I?m not breaking, down
can I break away
push me away, make me fall,
just to see another side of me,
push me away you can see,
what I see, the other side of me

Go!

Fall, can I break away
push me away, make me fall,
just to see another side of me,
push me away you can see,
what I see, the other side of me

No one can see anything on the other side of me
I walk, I crawl, loosing everything and waiting for the downfall
No one can see everything on the other side of me
I walk, I crawl loosing everything on the downfall.
Downfall, Fall.

I have come to the realization that writing songs is a process that involves wearing your soul on the outside. Whereas poetry (or in my case, more often then not prose), or artwork is kept private and released only to those people who you feel have the right over you - and anyone who you wish to shut out can be shutout at any moment, songs arent like that.

When you write a song - the purpose of the song, the reason for its entire existance - is to be shared with the world, with everyone and anyone who would be interested in listening. This then gives the writer of the song two options: either write about something that you feel absolutely nothing for - in which case what you write will invariably suck and will make you fake at the same time - or - write about what touches you, and prepare yourself to release your soul to the world - and it doesnt stop there - prepare for the barrage of questions that come from everyone who considers you their friend with abslute disregard to whether the feeling is mutual or not.

Its the questions - the people asking you things that you just dont want to answer - maybe not to them maybe not to anyone but yourself, maybe not even to yourself ; that are the killer. They put you off the words, they make you loose the emotions and the thoughts that made you write them in the first place.

I know im a question person - im always asking people what there thinking RIGHT NOW or what they meant when they wrote this or that (i can see all you people nodding out there with your knowing eyes... ill murder you when you sleep ;) but my biggest safegaurd is that i have ABSOLUTELY no problem - if people tell me that they just dont wanna tell me. Im comfortable with that, im comfortable like that.

AND.

I have a database final tomorrow, that i will fail.

AND THEN.

KARACHI YAY!!!

Your Porn Star Name is: Big Al Rod

Get your own Porn Star Name

Saad, is a smart guy.

Hes straightforward, honest, and surprisingly enough thinks in a manner i can easily relate to.

He gives advice, without being pushy - and at the end of the day, hes gonna push you to find the right way yourself.

I dont know if i have yet, but Saad - thank you.

"There's something about a four-minute song that creates this complete world you can step into."

-- Stephan Jenkins, 3rd Eye Blind

Once a year we celebrate
With stupid hats and plastic plates
The fact that you were able to make
Another trip around the sun

And the whole clan gathers round
And gifts and laughter do abound
And we let out a joyful sound
And sing that stupid song

Happy birthday!
Now you're one year older!
Happy birthday!
Your life still isn't over!
Happy birthday!
You did not accomplish much
But you didn't die this year
I guess that's good enough

So let's drink to your fading health
And hope you don't remind yourself
The chance of finding fame and wealth
Decrease with every year

Does it feel like you're doing laps
And eating food and taking naps
And hoping that someday perhaps
Your life will hold some cheer

Happy birthday!
What have you done that matters?
Happy birthday!
You're starting to get fatter
Happy birthday!
It's downhill from now on
Try not to remind yourself
Your best years are all gone

If cryogenics were all free
Then you could live like Walt Disney
And live for all eternity
Inside a block of ice

But instead your time is set
This is the only life you get
And though it hasn't ended yet
Sometimes you wish it might

Happy birthday!
You wish you had more money
Happy birthday!
Your life's so sad it's funny
Happy birthday!
How much more can you take?
But your friends are hungry
So just cut the stupid cake

Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!!!

Happy Birthday, to Chuss, Saad, Mano, Sana, and ME

(Taken without permission from Ali's blog (awake!) from a comment posted by tree-elf)

Take the quiz: "What dragon species are you? (Stunning pics)"

Fire Dragon
Rage, passion, you burn with the essence of a powerful flame. You are powerful and majestic and dont let anyone stand in your way without a fight.

I had something to say, it got lost somewhere along the way. I still know what it was, i still hold the words in my mind - i no longer have the motivation to write it though. Another song, for another long day that has potential to become a longer night:

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

-- Breathing, Lifehouse

This song, holds so many memories for me no one knows. I cant listen to it or play it or sing it without being taken back not to a moment in time, but more like a place in my mind - where there are these cool blue waters flowing, and everything is perfect in its serenity.

I once experianced the most beautiful time of my life. Perfect place at the perfect time. It was a completely grey day. In Karachi, I was standing at the beach, the sand not soft, but very hard and smooth under my feet, like concrete. It was black sand - which isnt black but is again grey... the tide was coming in not steep like it normally does... but completely calm and smoothly, the sky was overcast and the ocean reflected nothing but the sky and the horizon was lost in the greyness of everything. The wind was cool and the lines, or lack of them - was perfect. That was a day to remember.

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

-- Everything, Lifehouse

Iv probably posted these lyrics up on this site four or five times, the song itself, its... well its just so PERFECT. It speaks about all i want from life, something i used to always reach for - something i couldnt be bothered about anymore - in fact, tonight - i couldnt be bothered about anything.

Would you like to take a bite out of me? Everyone else has had their share...

Let me invite you in, have a taste...

Please, I insist...

To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or it's your daughter,
Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?
Should I turn this up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhwere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!

The silence is what kills me
I need someone here to help me
But you don't know how to listen
And let me make my decisions

'Cause I sit here locked
inside my head remembering everything you said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast!

All your insults and your curses make
me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I am nothing but
you made me so do something
'Cause I'm fucked up because you are
Need attention, attention you couldn't give

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you said
The silence get us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way to fast

-- "For You", Staind

Yaar this isnt fair.

God - your not allowed to go back from Spring to winter.

Didnt anyone ever teach you that?

Winter rains are back, winter chill and aches are back. I thought spring was allready here - the silent rains had COME dammit. God, your a cruel cruel super being - playing tricks like that. hrmph.

Everybody.... SMILE

*click*

(camera takes picture)

:D

This is the third time im fucking writing this. If i loose it again then ill sign it off as fate.

I wrote this not last night but the night before, i had just put my head to rest and gotten all comfortable in my furry brown blanket when suddenly this stream of words starting pouring into my mind and i had the type of urge that is less urge and more necessity to write it down. Yet even with my computer allready abuz with life, its screen shining its glow across the room, i knew that in the few moments it would take to traverse the 5 or 6 feet between here and there all the words would leave me - And i would be left staring at the glowing screen with an itch in my fingers and a complete hollowness in my mind.

So instead, i grabbed my phone, wrote all the words as they came to me in the form of an SMS, and saved it for a later date.

The advantages of modern technology - damn.

Here it is:

no 1

I can hear the thunder roaring miles above
and it makes me think of years ago
when our minds were young and innocent.
When passion was sure and unquestioned,
and we only knew to love with all our hearts - evermore and everlasting.
If i scream tonight will you listen?
If i die will you come?
If i learn to fly will you trust me to take you to the heavens?
And if heaven locks me out
will you judge?
If tomorrow is just as sad,
Will today be forgotten?

no 2

I have just heard the loudest thunder of my life.
It was as if the sky was screaming its last breath before it died,
the heavens have opened up in tears,
The sky has fallen.
The earth lies witness to it all,
and i will never forget this moment.
Tomorrow will be a new world.

Italisize Me.

Today i walked through the first spring shower of the year. Winter is officially over - my favorite season has begun.

How can you tell the difference between winter rains and spring showers? Normally its the fact that when it rains in spring by some miricle of God the sun is normally still shining - but oddly enough - this year the first spring showers happened at 10pm at night - what is the difference then?

I think it has something to do with the smell - the quality of the air - the freshness of it all. God smiling down even in the blackness of the night and with a sweep of his arm spreading a new season - a new beginning.

Did you know - spring showers make no sound? The rain is somewhere in between that of a full on downpour and sprinkling - but it makes no sound. The drops fall from miles in a manner of seconds, to end their short lived lives smattered across the street, a leaf, a forehead - completely silent as if they were invisible while being very much visible. Invisible to the ears!!!

The rains stopped now, back to reality - a 30% viva on a database project that i took absolutely no part in. My yellow mug full of hot sweet chai. An Ache in my stomach and a stinging in my eyes because my glasses still havent been fixed yet. We romantisize all we want - but at the end of the day we all go to sleep in reality. Dreams arent real. I keep telling myself that - life is not lived snuggled beneath the sheets with out eyes closed. But are the silent raindrops part of my reality or my romantisization of my reality. My Reality - not yours.

And we all, are the wolves of God.

Will you touch me tonight? Tomorrow? Forever?

*ouCh*

My backs KILLING me right now. Ive just gotten up from playing the guitar for about 4 hours straight... and it must be the way i slouch over the fretboard or the fact that i was sitting on my bed and playing but it feels like the bottom half and top half of my body are just gonna seperate from one another. There is always a certain amount of pain, whenever you play the guitar for a certain period of time, a sting in your fingers, an ache in your forearm - all those aches and pains are there, but those are all a satisfying sort of pain - a sense of accomplishment. This pain in my back - it just HURTS.

Interestingly enough - todays playing session had a lot of FRUSTRATION involved - all without the creative spark that usually makes my playing enjoyable - i mean, i was playing the same old shit, was sounding worse then normal - couldnt come up with any satisfying rythm riffs, my lead sounded absolutely horrendous. Wonder why.

Oh - something else interesting happened today - i jammed with Taimur Rehman!

Most people reading this know who Taimur is, for those who dont, hes a teacher of Political Science at the university i study at and my roomates guru and mentor (and some argue boyfriend). Well he was over today - and for some reason he was carrying a spanish guitar - and some how he knew that i played - so he asked me to pull out my guitar - and for almost an hour me and him jammed - and the MOST surprising thing of all - HES GOOD yAAR! I mean, really good - hes got this nice blues touch to his playing - something that i havent encountered in any of the other guitarists i jam with who are my age. I hope to play more with him - hope to get that bluesy touch to my own playing.

Hmm... yesterday was the last day of my antibiotics - hopefully ill be able to wake up in the morning without having to throw up from now on - you know it was actually really surprising the number of people who even KNEW that i was sick and who went out of their way to ask about how i was feeling and what exactly had happened and if im alive or not - i mean people whose NAMES i dont even know came to visit me in the hospital - people i havent spoken to for YEARS came to visit - it was kinda weird but really really sweet.

Oh and my cousin - man that guy has come every singly day iv been back just to drop me off food - he took SUCH good care of me it was crazy - if it wasnt for him i would definately have had to take the quarter off and head back home - weve become so close - hes seriously become the elder brother i always wish i had.

And then of course - there was chuss - i dont even need to SAY how much this guy took care of me.

hmm off the hospital topic - i hate having to reminisce about this last week and a half or so.

Two weeks - two weeks and im in beatiful karachi for 5 days. Back home, back with my mom, my little sis - the new cat that i havent gotten a chance to see yet. Gonna take a long ass drive on seaview - windows down just smelling the pollution tainted sweet ocean smelling air. Gonna grab something to drink take my shoes off and walk along the beach. The last time i was in karachi was six months ago - too fucking long yaar - too fucking long.

Should you let her tie you up in knots? Should you let her effect you to the extent that when you see her your tummy takes a little flip inside of you - should you even trust your emotions when youve never felt anything like this so fast? Lifes a bitch and then you crumble - lifes a bitch and then you die. Saad says that the one thing hes learned in life is "apnay tatte bacha ke rakho buss" - no matter how hilariouse that sounds - it makes perfect sense.

Im listening to Motorcycle Driveby right now, by Third Eye Blind - have you heard it? the lyrics make too much sense to be real - third eye blind can be like T.S. Eliot at times - absolute BITCHES because they express exactly what it is thats going through your mind but the WAY they express it takes your soul and tears it up into little little peices and that slip through your fingers and get lost in the wind.

Summer time and the wind is blowing,
Outside in lower Chelsea,
And I don't know
What I'm doing in this city,
The sun is always in my eyes,

It crashes through the windows,
And I'm sleeping on the couch,
When I came to visit you,
That's when I knew,
That I could never have you,
I knew that before you did,
Still I'm the one whose stupid,

And there's this burning,
Like there's always been,
I've never been so alone,
And I've never been so alive,

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by,
The Cigarette ash flies in your eyes,
And you don't mind,
And you smile,
And say the world doesn't fit with you.
I don't believe you,
You're so serene,

Careening through the universe,
Your axis on a tilt,
Guiltless and free,
I hope you take a piece of me with you,

And there's things I'd like to do that, You don't believe in,
I would like to build something,
but you never see it happen,
And there's this burning,
Like there's always been,

I've never been so alone,
And I, I've never been so alive,

And there's this burning,
There is this burning,

Where's the soul, I want to know,
New York City is evil,
The surface is everything,
But I could never do that,
Someone would see through that,
And this is the last time,
We'll be friends again,
and I'll get over you and you'll wonder,
Who I am,
And there's this burning,
just like there's always been,
I've never been so alone,
And I've never been so alive,

I go home to the coast,
It starts to rain,
I paddle out,
On the water,
Alone,
Taste the salt and taste the pain,
I'm not thinking of you again,

Summer dies and swells rise,
The sun goes down in my eyes,
See this rolling wave,
Darkly coming to take me,
Home,
And I never been so alone,
And I've never been so alive


When you read this - do you see what i mean?

Does ANYONE FRIGGIN EVER SEE WHAT I MEAN!

My left hand is completely bruised, i didnt even know with my skin complexion that i COULD bruise. My right wrist wont bend past a certain point - the swelling hasnt gone down yet.

Last week, for the first time in my life i was admitted to the hospital, had a kneedle sticking out of my arm for the last week. - have four holes at variouse places in both my arms. More details on that (with pictures) later on.

But the pain of my body is a temporal reality - it exists, but it is barely real at best. The worst, has been not the pain, not throwing up every morning, not having your arm numbed by the cold liquid being injected directly into your bloodstream... but the THINKING. The thinking kills.

You know - right now - iv just had my medication, and its starting to seep into my brain - and im thinking, ke yaar - once, just ONCE i wish there would be no complications - i wish that it wouldnt be a "right now" answer. I wish i could just get a yes or a no - it would make life so much easier wouldnt it?

But then, right now, it would be unfair to get a yes, and i so dont want to here a no - no matter what i tell myself.

Bronze Goddess - why cant i get that phrase out of my mind? She looked so absolutely amazing today. Thats probably why.

You know, im going to publish this, and i know that if the medication wasnt making my mind just a teensy weensy bit tipsy i probably would have never even written this... but

for the record.

It sucks, to want what you cannot have - i think that should become the theme for this blog - kaash. That one word, implies so much more then its english counterparts could ever hope to communicate.

I want You.

PS - welcome to the jungle everyone, hope youve packed well enough for the ride - if you hear the voices, they are directed at the guide, do not heed them yourself - because if you hear them then how will he? And if the guide cant hear the voices - then your doomed, lost - because he really doesnt know the way himself.
Hello everyone - welcome to jungle - shhhhh... can you hear the voices whispering?